We are exploring one of the oldest expressed frustrations in history — disappointment with God. The oldest book in the bible, Job, is an entire book on one man’s discourse with God and friends on how and why God let him down. This series of posts is designed to answer two questions:

1. Why do we experience disappointment with God?
2. How do we work through the pain associated with our disappointment? 

I last answered the why question. A great way to answer these types of deep and difficult questions is to return to the ancient stories of our faith. These are our origin stories. Origin stories shape who we are and form what we believe. As followers of Jesus, we see our origin stories back in the book of Genesis with people like Noah, Abraham, and Hagar. As my friend Ed replied to me this week:

“Abraham knew a story. He knew nothing about theology.” 

-Ed Chinn

Many of us don’t know theology. You know stories – your own, your family, your nation. You also need to know the story of our faith, and Genesis holds the origin of your story. Joseph was the great-grandson of Abraham, and he is a model of navigating pain and disappointment. When you read Joseph’s story in Genesis (chapters 37-50), we see this truth:

Pain is a part of your story because pain shapes your purpose.

What was true for Joseph was also true for Jesus. Jesus not only endured the disappointment of the cross, but Jesus chose the pain of humbling himself to live as a human.

In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God,
    did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage

rather, he made himself nothing
    by taking the very nature of a servant,
    being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man,
    he humbled himself
    by becoming obedient to death—
        even death on a cross! 

-Philippians 2:5-8

So, if disappointment is part of your story and shapes your purpose, how do you work through it to see the purpose and hope on the other side?

Be Real

As a pastor, I interact with people walking through all types of disappointment. I regularly talk with people who are going through marital struggles or are dealing with hurt from their childhood. I have conversations with people who are frustrated with their employment situations or are navigating through major health issues. Many times, these people take on an attitude of resignation — this is just how it is and will always be, so it must be how God intended.

In other words, many of us stuff down our emotions and feelings because we think this is how a true follower of Jesus acts. He wouldn’t question. She wouldn’t feel. We grin and bear it. It sounds good, but this isn’t scriptural.

God wants us to be real with him and others, which means:

• Feel the feelings.
• Tell God about it.
• Release the debt.

These are the three things I will focus on today, and next week I’ll end with one more tip — hold tight to Jesus.

Feel the feelings

When I was three years old, my parents divorced. I accepted this as normal for most of my childhood and teen years. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t know other kids and families with two parents in the home, but I just accepted for myself. In my home, it was just my sister and my mom. 

On the one hand, it was true. I would live with one parent in my home, which wouldn’t change. However, I also didn’t allow myself to feel the feelings of disappointment, shame, and fear stirring inside me. The 1970s and 1980s were different times, and we were only beginning to understand how important emotional health is. Had I been encouraged, I could have dealt with those feelings healthily. 

This is what Job did, and it’s also what the writers did in the Psalms. Just sit with this gem for a moment:

Remember, Lord, what the Edomites did
on the day Jerusalem fell.
“Tear it down,” they cried,
“tear it down to its foundations!”

Daughter Babylon, doomed to destruction,
happy is the one who repays you
according to what you have done to us.

Happy is the one who seizes your infants
and dashes them against the rocks.  

-Psalm 137:7-9

For context, this was written after the fall of Judah. The remnants of Israel were either carted off to Babylon or subjected as caretakers of a destroyed Jerusalem. The words are dark and disturbing – bashing babies against a rock! But the writer isn’t talking literally. He’s expressing his feelings of anger against his enemies. He shares his disappointment in God and the consequences of a nation’s sin. 

God wants you to be honest with your feelings, too. And here’s why:

God wants you to feel your feelings because he wants you to share these feelings with him.

Tell God about it.

As a society, we are better at being in touch with our feelings. Collectively, we’ve done enough therapy to understand the value of understanding what is going through our bodies. However, we still struggle to include God in our feelings. This is where we take direction from Job, the Psalms, and Jesus. In the Garden of Gethsemane, on the night Jesus was betrayed, Jesus cried out to God:

“Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” Then an angel from heaven appeared and strengthened him. He prayed more fervently, and he was in such agony of spirit that his sweat fell to the ground like great drops of blood. 

-Luke 22:42-44

Jesus did not want to suffer the pain of crucifixion or the pain of separation from God. Jesus was struggling, so he told God how he was feeling. It was messy and real. Drops of blood!

God knows your feelings will be messy. He understands that you are hurt, and he still wants to hear them from you.

The night, God was silent.

Almost 15 years ago, my wife and I were in dispute with our business partners. It wasn’t going well; she had left the business without resolution, so we continued a contentious fight for a solution. I was angry. I was angry with our partners, and I was angry with God. We had been faithful to the business and God, yet we struggled to be on the same page. 

Kia had started a new business, so we prepared a little studio space for her. I spent many evenings cleaning and painting to help get the business started. One night, as I painted an office, I began yelling, out loud, at God. I informed him of all the ways he had let us down. This continued for what seemed like hours but was less than 30 minutes. I ended my rant in tears.

What’s most interesting about that moment is not what happened but what didn’t happen.

Nothing.

Lightning didn’t strike. The earth didn’t shake. God was silent.

We usually take God’s silence as a punishment or form of indifference. But this isn’t the case.

Honestly, God’s silence was refreshing. When my wife is upset and yells at me, she often doesn’t need my wisdom or insight — she needs my ear. What I needed in that moment was to be heard by God. I would have liked resolution and restitution, but what I most needed was for God to listen.

This is where knowing and fully trusting God’s nature is so important. I am convinced God listens when I talk. His response is not a signal of his hearing. He hears whether I hear something in return or not.

God heard my cry.

This story of mine from over a decade ago wouldn’t be complete without sharing what happened next, and this may be the most important step for you to walk through pain to see purpose in your life.

Release the debt

During this time of disappointment, God began to teach me about forgiveness. This lesson saved me from years of bitterness and resentment and set me on a path I would have missed otherwise.

It may sound strange to teach about forgiveness as a response to disappointment with God, but most times, there is a direct correlation between my disappointment and a wrong done against me. Usually, this is the result of the actions of another person or group, but it could be God himself you need to forgive.

Peter once asked Jesus, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” (Matthew 18:21)

As Jesus often did, he answered with a story. This story was about two men and a king. One man owed the king millions of dollars. He could not repay the king, so the punishment was jail. The king heard the man’s plea for mercy, so he had grace with this debtor.

The king completely forgave the debt and set the man free. Yet on his way home, the first man ran into another man who owed him one hundred dollars. The first man demanded this other man repay him immediately. Unable to pay, the second man was thrown into prison. This news eventually made it to the king, who called the first man into his courts, chastised him, and threw him into prison.

Here is what I missed for years in this parable: Jesus equates forgiveness with debt.

My Story of Releasing Debt

When someone wrongs you (whether this is a person, an organization, or God himself), they owe you. In your mind, they may owe you an apology. They may owe you a deeper relationship. It could be you are expecting grace from them. They could owe actual money. Pain caused by someone else is a debt owed to you.

Jesus told Peter we are to release the debts owed to us.

This is the lesson I learned all those years ago — not long after, I spent a night yelling at God. God began to teach me to release the debts owed to me. And further, I learned releasing the debt was not just a spiritual, emotional, or mental action. I learned forgiveness is also a physical act.

When we begin to think or talk about those who have wronged us, we unconsciously close our hands and make fists. We hold onto the things owed us. So this is what I did as I began to forgive those who had wronged me:

I opened my hands and, with my palms up, said,

“God, I release the debt that _______ owes me. They no longer owe me anything. I forgive _______.”

This will not be a one-time act. Early on, I stopped multiple times daily to pray this prayer with my hands wide open. Over time, my heart shifted, and I began to release the debt owed to me. 

Today, I can say I honestly forgive AND love those former business partners. 

Hold on tight

These steps led me to a place of forgiveness, helping me find purpose in my pain. But there is one more vital step to getting through your pain, and I could have started with this because it is the most important lesson you’ll ever learn: Hold onto Jesus.

But we’ll save that for next week. For now, dive into your origin story. Learn how the lives of those who came before us shaped your faith. As you deal with disappointment, don’t hide from the feelings inside you. Tell God how you are feeling. Be encouraged that God’s silence has a purpose and is meant to heal you. Release the debt owed to you. It may take weeks or months (possibly years), but this will set you on a path to finding purpose in your pain.